We first learned our daughter was sick 4 days before her early arrival. Our family was experiencing what we thought was a healthy and uncomplicated pregnancy until I awoke in the middle of the night with a head-splitting headache. Good advice from a friend and a little divine intervention brought me into the hospital early that morning to be evaluated. That is when we learned that sometime in the weeks after our last normal anatomy scan, my placenta stopped functioning normally and our daughter was no longer growing and thriving as she should. After a series of interventions and days of monitoring, our medical team informed us that our daughter was too sick to remain in utero and would be joining us that day - 9 weeks early.

         Our feisty girl weighed in at 990g and was 15 inches long. It's interesting how your perspective on something so ordinary - like sharing the size and weight of your newborn baby - becomes something so triggering and peculiar overnight. I'm unsure when as a society we decided we needed to share this information with others, as if the size of your newborn is an indicator to the world of their health and strength, but I couldn't bring myself to share our baby's statistics with anyone outside of our small circle for several months.

         Shortly after birth, our baby was placed on respiratory support and was given an orogastric tube for feeds. She continued like this until she was 10 days old when the CPAP was removed and her orogastric tube was exchanged for a nasogastric tube. That day was the first we were truly able to see our baby's face with minimal tape and tubes. Thanks to a feisty babe with a hearty appetite and a predisposition to pull out her NG tube daily, we finally got to see our girl without any lines or tubes after 35 days. It is difficult to describe the joy we felt looking down at our baby and for the first time seeing just her. No tape, no tubes, just her tiny, beautiful features. This was the first time in our hospitalization I remember feeling like we were close to taking our baby home. The first time I looked down and felt like I was holding a healthy baby.

         This unfortunately was not the last hurdle we would overcome before leaving the hospital with our baby. Our baby experienced apnea of prematurity which would cause her to stop breathing and experience a steep drop in heart rate. This is very normal in premature infants and thankfully was something she would outgrow without long-term consequences. So we began the waiting game of watching for her to stop having episodes. She would have to overcome a 7 day stretch of no apnea episodes before we could take her home. So began the countdowns, daily family updates, and disappointed tears when she would inevitably have an episode on day 4 or 5 of our countdown. I personally grappled with feelings of disappointment that our baby was not yet ready to come home and guilt that I was feeling this way when in the next bay over, babies and families were struggling with much worse.

         We finally received the all clear to discharge on day 58. The first drive home from the hospital with your newborn in the car is incredibly special, especially once you've gained the understanding of what it feels like to have to leave the hospital without them. The transition from the highly monitored setting of the NICU to home was startling. We spent several sleepless nights watching her little chest rise and fall and listening for wiggles or grunts in the bassinet to ensure she was okay. I now have a hard time remembering exactly when I felt that she was going to be okay. Over time, the vigilance and anxiety began to slowly fade, but I don't think we fully let down our guard until she was about a year old.
         Our daughter is now a stubborn and rambunctious two-year-old who keeps us all on our toes. From time to time I still find myself looking at her in amazement, wondering how we got so fortunate to have a healthy, thriving toddler with us today. It's hard to believe she has come so far already. Although it was difficult to have this perspective in the moment, we feel so incredibly blessed to have spent those extra 9 weeks with our baby girl in our arms.                                                                                                                        

 -Anonymous